I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”