I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”