Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

Everyday I’m on that James Bond diet:

0 water
0 salad
7 servings of mac n cheese (shaken, not stirred)

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

incredible book dedication