“I’m helping” 😅
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*seductively eats two tums*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.