“I’m helping” 😅
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?