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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries