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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.