“I’m helping” 😅
You Might Also Like
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*