I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Who called it baking and not making love
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time