I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers