I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Fidel Castro was alive?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Shower sex be like:
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes