Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

I have a type: disappointing

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Living the best life.. 😊

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.