Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

How to properly lift a body

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too