“I’m helping” 😅
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The French cow says MEUX…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned