“I’m helping” 😅
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.