I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills