I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
The happy life.. 😊
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.