“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech