“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
my favorite gender
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol