Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park