I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
You Might Also Like
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.