I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
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So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Social distancing in Australia:
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Is this anything
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!