Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list