I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
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[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.