Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

A game married people play.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.