I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
You Might Also Like
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
the three genders
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
January has been Januweary
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander