My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
u spoke cat all this time??????
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.