Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.