Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

The pasta is now

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Happy Friday

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already