Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly