I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.