Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

im all 3

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.