I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”