Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

where’s Godzilla when we need him

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

#oldknees

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

seems fine

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂