I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You Might Also Like
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”