Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.