I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
This squirrel eats better than I do
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.