I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Who.
Did.
This?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait