I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again