I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Finally!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I needed a laugh this morning.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”