Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

This dude got his own movie?

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.