I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
me to God
