Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

i wonder why they stopped looking

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.