I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.