I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
You Might Also Like
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.