I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”