Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

eggs benadryl

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN