Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?