Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone