Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.