I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it