Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Nice try, NASA

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life