I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38