Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar