Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

honey, bring out the fine china.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

AM I BEING GASLIT????

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.