Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.