Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.