“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
me and who
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
best review i’ve ever seen
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.