Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I see your IQ test came back negative

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

😍😂🥰😂😍

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does