I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles