I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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Practicing safe sax
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry