@Vodkantots

I’m hungry.

WebMD: stomach cancer

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@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@Megatronic13

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@JediGigi

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

@treywafer

Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@KeetPotato

japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”

@HomeWithPeanut

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

@CruisinSoozan

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.