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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.