Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

sailors wish they could swear like me

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s