Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.