I’m hunting wabbits…
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’