I’m hunting wabbits…
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Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter