I’m hunting wabbits…
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well