Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

won’t smith

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!