I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match