Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it’s an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?
8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]
HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”
Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.
But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.
When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals