@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

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@DaddyJew

Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from

@envydatropic

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@Dawn_M_

“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”

@ODeadInside

Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.

@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

@vonTraphaus

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

@Dawn_M_

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

@donni

Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals