Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Ah..makes sense now

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

HELP 😭

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET