Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.